Thoughts inspired by Nausea by Jean-Paul Sartre

So here I am again, writing, letting the words float free like a river. I´ve been thinking a lot about rivers lately. How they run free like the clouds in the sky. I went out this morning and found myself drawn to these clouds that were there. But it wasn´t like I wanted them to be there, I wanted to remove them. I wanted the sun to come out and radiate me with its beaming shines. Look at me sitting here writing about just nothing, and still there is something deeper more profound to this post than all the rest I´ve written on here. I think I´ve been affected by Nausea written by Jean-Paul Sartre. All this philosophical stuff has started to get to me. I think I am in that kind of place now when I just need to let the words come out of me. They have been screaming to come out, and not just these words, but all that I´m feeling inside. To be able to find it though can be hard. It´s not like they can just come up whenever you want them to, they have a life of their own. That´s how I interpret the section of the book I´m reading now.

I wasn´t even going to start writing this, but it just came to me. When I sat on the balcony, another beginning started to take its form, but as soon as I sat down here my fingers started writing something new, like they had a will of their own, and there´s nothing I can do about it. I can just come along on the ride seeing where it leads me. That´s the interesting part. You´re not even aware of what is happening to you, you just keep on writing and it´s not until afterwards that you can read it and reflect on it, like you are someone else. Not the same person who just wrote it.

I just realised that I was going through some kind of a ghostly mission. In search for a piece of paper. Something that I could use scribbling down my idéas and thoughts. I came up in vain and caved in to the computer. All these lost thoughts, and they can just be replaced by new ones. New words and new idéas. I feel it like my well at the moment is filled, where it used to be quite empty. I just need to fill it up more often. It is a relief to start writing again. I´ve always felt the need for it and it gives me such a joy and pleasure. Especially when it floats, when I can just sit down and just write. I don´t even have to give it much thought. That´s what I´m doing now.

I have often wondered why I was placed on this earth. A sort of morbid thinking, but still it has lingered there. I ´ve always felt like I needed to tell a story. To have a purpose in life. Even my dreams are storytelling, usually in form of a movie. The fiction and the reality blends and comes together. I´ve got several stories in my head, and it just needs to be written down. I think I´ve finally found my inner peace for the moment at least. I haven´t had that in a while and I´ve been drifting apart, floating among the skies. I just felt today that for the first time in a long time I know where I´m heading and what led me to this moment. I had to be at a certain place in order to find it. A place where my soul could be nurtured and complete. And there is nothing like that, that moment of satisfaction.