Some more thoughts about a brown buffalo

Some funny things came to my mind while reading The Autobiography of a Brown Buffalo by Oscar Zeta Acosta. Benicio Del Toro who is the reason why I started this blog in the first place, plays him in the movie Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. In this book Oscar is refering to a lot of things that got me thinking of Benicio. Like that one time when he is starting to take drugs and he is not so familiar with the effects of the drugs. He starts seeing hair growing uncontrolable from his body and he has a Wolfman moment. I think that is very fitting and funny, since Benicio have played both Oscar and The Wolfman. In another chapter he mentions authors like Ernest Hemingway, Jean-Paul Sartre, Fyodor Dostoyevski and Kierkegaard. Existential philosophers at its best. He also mentions Ernesto Che Guevara. Another Benicio character. I just waited for him to start mentioning Benicio Del Toro although I knew that Benicio wasn´t even born yet.

LOOKING FOR A BOOK

In one chapter of the book Oscar talks about his college experience and a certain section from the book goes like this;

"We all gasped at his brilliant logic. We were astounded by his ability to force us to think, to reason and to question the findings of other men."

"He grounded me in the fundamentals of the short story by forcing me to read as much of the old fag Somerset Maugham as I could possibly tolerate."

The reason why I called this section of my blogentry LOOKING FOR A BOOK is because the one book that I´m looking for among my things right now is a book by Somerset Maugham. I´ve been inspired to search and locate all kinds of different new interesting books in the bookstores, and that author caught my eye and I just new that I wanted to explore his world. I didn´t and still don´t know what kind of books he´s been writing, but I like taking chances.

I like the ending that wraps it all up. His search for an identity and the acceptance of what he sees and his perception of himself. The whole understanding on who you are as a person, something that I still can have some issues with. But I like the braveness in this book. The candid answers and what he is willing to sacrifice and what he doesn´t give up on. Oscar´s storytelling for me is like an addiction. Who needs drugs when you can read this fantastic book. You save yourself some money and you keep your mind and head clear. The gallery of various characters that sweeps through this book are also very interesting. No matter if it´s In Cold Blood or City of Night or this book or any other books that I´ve read through this journey, the characters are always interesting and you get sucked in and want to know more about them. Like in movies or tv-series, you really want to be able to connect with the character on some level. If it isn´t believable you don´t care about them. They don´t have to be realistic, but you have to believe them.

Afterthoughts inspired by John Rechy´s City of Night

I´ve been thinking a bit more about the darkness that somehow can be related to other worlds, and not just the world that the narrator is describing. It doesn´t even have to be at night. It can be anytime depending on for an example the mood. The mood can be filled with dark thoughts and the time linger as if it was night all the time. Night-time with its endless stream of either lonliness or filled with joy. Shadows hanging over like deep dark clouds that simply just won´t disappear. The mortality of the heart and soul. In the book the narrator talks about being dead inside while the body lives, the mind and the soul is dead. Almost like a zombie, going through the motions, but without actually living to the fullest. Dark thoughts of pain have entered my mind and the only way to get rid of them somehow is for me to write them down. Let me come out, like a cry in the dark. Numbness feelings as my limps continue to move with the speed of I don´t know what. Just my fingers moving around the keyboard. Trying to somehow get rid of the feeling of emptiness. The dark hole that will swallow you up if you´re not careful. Mindgames playing tricks on you. Imagining things that isn´t really there, or are they? I can never tell sometimes. Somehow I get the feeling that it isn´t all in my head. That it´s actually part of a truth somehow. Whirling thoughts that just keeps spinning round and round and round. The need for someone or something comes hunting me again. Another sleepless night, sitting in front of my computer playing a game in order to get away from bad thoughts whatever they are. The escape of not wanting to feel like a complete fool. But aren´t we all fools in some wacky way. Aren´t we all special as individuals? I like to think so, it would certainly help the insomnia if that was the case. No, I´ll take that back. I truly believe that each one of us got something to give the world, the trick is to find out what it is. But the posibility feels comfortable enough for me at this moment of time.

City of Night by John Rechy

When I first started reading John Rechy´s City of Night I never thought I would undergo such a journey with a book which I´ve now finished after almost two months. This book took me longer to read of two reasons. One is that the book is much thicker than the previous ones I´ve read since I started on this project, second, it was a hard book to get through. Sometimes I thought that I lacked interest in the world which the narrator is telling about. Other times I didn´t understand it completely or it didn´t compell me enough, or I was just simply enduring it. But I promised myself that I wouldn´t shut my eyes, I would go into this world and have an open mind about it. If there´s something that I´ve learned ever since the beginning of May, is that nothing is what it seems like when you first start to read a book and when you have finished it. What I feel now is wonder and fulfillment. The book had a greater power over me than I ever thought was possible. Especially the ending. The ending that left me with such an inspiration to write, to express myself in a way I didn´t think was possible.

It got me thinking and I started questioning topics like lonliness and the fear of intimacy. The narrator searches for some kind of way to subdue and remove the fear of getting too close to someone and he does it through sex. Every person he´s with is like a substitute for something else, something to fill out his lonliness. I sensed it like he´s afraid of being trapped and feeling like he´s got to move from place to place in order to escape from his lonliness and his endless search for something. A search for an identity perhaps or happiness or an escape from himself and what he is feeling or the lack of it even. An endless stream of conscious wonders and selfsearching for the soul. He calls it soulsearching of the city of night. The book is kind of dark, but still it reflects some lights too. The people in the book are in some ways tragic, funny and individual and I found that very interesting. A lot of happy faces or voices masking the true sadness and lonliness of their lives. Despair mixed with happy emotions and expressions. As I´m writing this I´m filled with confusion myself about numerous things in the world. Perhaps that´s why I feel like I can relate to the narrator in some ways. He´s search for something and the feeling of being lost within yourself, whether it´s by choice or not.
Overwhelming feelings comes over me just as I´m writing this. Fellings that I can´t put my finger on what it means. Just words coming out, pouring like raindrops from the sky that seems endless sometimes. When you are flying above the clouds and they look like big chunks of snow, but if you touch it, you´ll know it´s kind of like an illusion. A cover for space and air. It´s like nothingness. Sometimes I wonder why I was placed on this earth. Is it for someone or something? As I feel it, I haven´t figure that one out yet, and that´s ok. Being ok with not knowing is perfectly alright, it doesn´t change anything, it´s just there hanging like a big questionmark.